


Days Without You

by captain_k_jones



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Depression, F/M, Minor Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-06
Updated: 2015-06-13
Packaged: 2018-03-29 06:33:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3886003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captain_k_jones/pseuds/captain_k_jones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He had lost everything in his long life - his mother, his father, Liam, Milah - and now Emma. He wouldn't survive losing her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I know I should be working on the next part of "The Broken Promise," but this idea would not leave me alone. I hope you all enjoy this. Please let me know what you think. As always: Thank you for reading!
> 
> P.S. Thank you to the-lady-of-mishaven for looking this over. You are the best!
> 
> Disclaimer: I don not own OUAT or its characters.

_Day two_

The icy wind bit into Killian's cheek making his tears dry before they escaped his red rimmed eyes. His fingers gripped the wood of the Jolly until his knuckles went white. He stared out into the bay hoping it would solve all if his problems. It didn't. She was gone - just gone. Vanished is a whirl of smoke and lightning.

_I have to do this Killian. I have to save our happy endings._

Happy endings. Bloody hell, didn't she understand that their happy ending included her? That he could never be happy without her in his life. He took a swig from his flask, as he continued to stare out into the bay.

He had lost everything in his long life - his mother, his father, Liam, Milah - and now Emma. He wouldn't survive losing her. He had barely made it through losing the others. Turning away from the bay, he stumbled down the ladder into his cabin. Maps covered his large desk.

_I love you, Killian._

No. He shook his head, clenching his teeth. He would not lose her. He needed to find her. Even if it were the last thing he ever did. He would find her and return her home.

* * *

 

_Day six_

He was being kicked. Which did not make sense seeing as he was in his quarters with Emma. Why would she be kicking him?

_Killian wake up. You need to get up._

Slowly, he opened his eyes. He realized he was not in his quarters, he was in the library. Belle stood over him with her hands on her hips.

"You stayed all night again didn't you?"

Her words brought everything back. Emma was gone. Even though he vowed to find her, he had no bloody clue where to look. He spent every waking moment in the library looking for clues.

"Aye, lass. Must have fallen asleep. Apologies." He lifted his head and tried to meet her eyes.

"This isn't healthy Killian. I want to find her as much as you, but staying up all day and night until you crash is not the way to do it." Belle's smile was sad, almost pitiful.

Getting up from the table, he began to clean up the stacks of books. He would need them later, but there was no need to have Belle clean the mess.

"Not to be ungrateful, love, but how about I worry about meself." he snapped, his hand clenching at his side.

"Killian…" She placed her hand on his arm in what he assumed was meant to be a comforting gesture. It wasn't.

Stepping at of her grasp, he yanked his arm away and avoided her gaze. Tears began to form in his eyes. Quickly, before Belle would notice, he wiped his eyes.

"I'm fine, lass. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll just be cleaning up here." His voice cracked as he returned his attention to the books.

Belle backed away with her hands up and shaking her head sadly, but she said nothing in return.

She didn't understand? Her happy ending was sitting in his pawn shop down the street and who did she have to thank for it? Emma. He had lost his happy ending so she could have hers. He wasn't angry - he just… he just had to find her.

_I love you, Killian._

She was out there somewhere and he would find her. He made sure to tell Belle he would be back after lunch. She just nodded her head.

She might not approve of what he was doing, but he knew that he would stop at nothing to get Emma back - and wasn't that the whole point?

* * *

 

_Day 20_

_I love you, Killian._

_I love you, Killian._

_I love you, Killian._

_I love you, -_

He awoke with a start and looked around his cabin. She wasn't there. Every night he actually went to bed (which was rare these days) he dreamt of her. Of their last moments together. Of her declaration. Of the life they should've had.

Then, he awoke to a harsh reality without her. His cabin was littered with papers and empty rum bottles. It had become his routine. Spend the day researching, then drink until he passed out. It was the only way he could sleep. He repeated the process again, every day.

He dressed in the same clothes as the night - days- before. His shirt was wrinkled. His vest unbuttoned. He didn't even bother with the jacket anymore. Nothing mattered without her.

Looking into the mirror, Kilian barely recognized his reflection. His normally bright blue eyes were a dull grey. He didn't even bother with the kohl anymore. His eyes were always red rimmed anyway. His cheeks were sunken in. His hair had grown longer, parts of it covering the tips of his ears. It hadn't been washed in days causing it to appear greasy and unkept. Bloody Hell.

Killian sighed, his hand running through his hair in frustration. He was expected at the loft in mere minutes, better get a move on. It wouldn't do to keep Henry waiting. After all, Henry missed his mum as much as he did.

* * *

 

_Day 36_

The punch hit him square in the jaw, but he didn't feel it. All he felt was anger. Anger at her for leaving. Anger at himself for not stopping her. Anger at David and Snow for causing her to have this impossible duty. Anger at the crocodile for taking another from him.

He was able to stop the second punch with his hook, while his hand came up and slammed into the bartender's chin. He was at The Rabbit Hole, trying to enjoy his rum when the  _bloody_ bartender refused to serve him. When he told him to "bugger off" and reached behind the bar to get the bottle of rum, the bartender pushed Killian back.

He saw red. Wasting no time, he got up and threw the first punch. It was all downhill from there.

"Killian! Killian stop."

Fuck. Of course they called him. He was the acting sheriff since she was gone. He felt a hand on his shoulder, but it didn't stop him.

Shrugging the hand off, Killian cocked his hand back to deliver another blow to the bartender's stomach. Tears clouded his vision. He couldn't stop.

Arms wrapped around him from behind, stopping his fist from moving forward.

"LET ME GO!" He screamed, kicked, and tried to roll out of the hold. Nothing worked.

"Mate, it is ok. I've got you."

Robin. The sound of Robin's voice seemed to knock him back to reality. His body slumped forward as the fight left him. His body racked with sobs. His fist knocked on the floor in small punches.

David appeared at one side, Robin on the other.

"It's okay Killian. It will be okay." The prince's voice was soothing as if he was speaking to a wounded animal.

It wasn't okay. He wasn't okay. Without her, he was nothing.


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killian reaches rock bottom...who can save him from himself?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this took so long to get out. Life got in the way.
> 
> Warning: it gets kinda angsty. 
> 
> For reference... I know Killian could not have stopped Emma from sacrificing herself, but that doesn't mean he doesn't think he could have done more. 
> 
> Thank you to o-u-a-timer, the-lady-of-misthaven, and zengoalie for helping me with this!

Day 37

His head was pounding, which wasn’t different from any other morning. The light caused his eyes to blur when he tried to open them. His whole body ached. Bloody hell, what happened last night?

A baby cry from behind him caught his attention. He heard footsteps and then Mary Margaret’s soothing voice. He was at the loft, sprawled out on the couch. A blanket was thrown over him. It smelled like cinnamon… like Emma. How the bloody hell did he get here? He couldn’t remember anything after arriving at The Rabbit Hole. He had ordered rum. He needed a drink after finding no leads on where Emma could be. Emma.

_I love you, Killian._

His hand pinched his nose at the memory. Tears formed in his eyes again. What was he doing? She was gone and she had taken his heart with her.

A throat cleared next to him. Killian opened one eye and then the other, he saw David sitting at the table across from him. Great. He really was in no mood for a pep talk from the prince.

“How are you feeling, Hook?” David tried to give him a glass of water, but Killian waved it away.

How was he feeling? **How was he feeling?** He felt like his heart had been ripped from his chest - again. Like all of the oxygen had been sucked out of his life. He felt like all of the light had been removed from his life and his was living in the never ending darkness.

Mostly, he felt empty.

Not that he would ever tell _Prince Charming_ what he was feeling.

“Fine, mate. How did I end up here?” He was trying to sit up, but everytime he moved the room seemed to spin a bit. _Yep, best to stay flat, mate._

“I got a call about you fighting at the bar. Robin and I picked you up and brought you back here.” David was staring at him intently, concern written all over his face.

Well, that explained why his ribs felt like they were on fire and why his face was throbbing in pain.

“Well, I thank you for the assistance. I’ll be off now.” Killian forced himself to stand, even if his body rebelled at the idea.

David’s hand reached out and grabbed his arm, keeping Killian in place.

 

“Hook - Killian, how are you doing? Really?” David asked.

“Told ya, mate. I’m fine. Great even. Now, if you’ll excuse me, your highness. I need to be returning to my ship.” Killian turned back to the door and David, again, grabbed his arm.

Why wouldn’t he just leave him the buggering fuck alone?

“I know that you are having a hard time with this, but you have a family here, Hook. We are here if you need us - for anything.” David finally released his arm.

A family? Emma was his family. The only family he would ever need. And she was gone. Just gone.

“Thanks mate, but again I am fine.” Killian turned and walked out of the door to the loft, leaving David staring at him, shaking his head.

The walk back to the Jolly was quick. Once inside his cabin, Killian walked straight to the cupboard and pulled out a full bottle of rum. Sinking to the floor, Killian opened the bottle.

Lifting the bottle to his mouth, Killian swallowed a mouthful.

_A family._

He took another mouthful.

_I love you, Killian._

Another mouthful.

_We are here if you need us._

Another mouthful. His vision was starting to blur.

_I have to do this Killian. I have to save our happy endings._

Another mouthful. The bottle was empty. He tried to get up for another, but his legs wouldn’t move.

He sat there unable to move. Tears clouded his vision. He was a broken man. A broken pirate. The bottle shattered against the wall from his throw. Curling into a ball, Killian was overcome with sleep.

He was the shell of the man he used to be.

* * *

 

Day 56

Killian shot up in his bed and looked around. His entire body was covered in a layer of sweat. His hands were shaking as his heart beat uncontrollably in his chest.

He was in his quarters. Aboard the Jolly. He was home. He was not searching endless realms for Emma. He had not watched her eyes turn black with the power of the dagger.

A moan escaped his throat as he lunged forward and pushed himself up on the deck. It was cold. The air smelled like salt. His body shivered. Looking down, Killian realized he was only dressed in his pants. _Must have taken the shirt off before the alcohol hit._

Killian’s hand curled around the edge of his ship as he looked out to the open sea. He could leave. He could pack up the ship and leave this town. This town that had only brought him pain and suffering.

When he closed his eyes -a sad attempt to stop the tears- Killian saw golden hair. Sea green eyes. He heard her laugh, saw her smile. He saw her with her family, saw her smiling at him with her chin tilted up. Remembered their first kiss -  remembered how she had tasted. Like hot cocoa and future. He remembered their first date. He remembered what it felt like to be happy.

His body started to shake as the tears fell. He missed her. _Gods he missed her._

Why did everything he had ever loved have to be ripped from his grasp? Everything he touched turned into poison. He had just found her. Just found his reason for living. His reason for changing. He should have known he would have his happy ending torn from him. After all, villains don’t get happy endings.

Turning quickly, Killian moved to return to his cabin. His foot caught a piece of rope on the deck and before he knew what had happened he began to fall.

Normally, his reflexes were quick. They were slowed by the amount of rum he had consumed in the last 24 hours. He fell ungracefully, his head slamming into the deck.

Before the darkness overtook him, Killian heard someone call out from behind him.

“Hook! Hook, are you alright?” He heard footsteps on the deck.

Emma?

* * *

 

Day 59

A light shined in Killian’s eyes, waking him. Squinting his eyes he turned away from the source.

“Ah. I see you have finally returned to us Captain.”

Returned? From where? He didn’t remember going anywhere. Not that he remembered much of anything anymore. Rum will do that to you.

“Wha...what happened?” His head hurt. It seemed like it was always hurting lately.

“You fell on your ship. Knocked yourself unconscious. You’ll have quite the nasty bump on your head for awhile. There was some slight swelling in your brain, which is why we kept you heavily sedated for the first couple of days. We, um, we also had to perform a lavage… you had alcohol poisoning.”

Swelling in his brain? Alcohol poisoning? What the bloody hell was this man talking about?

Killian opened his eyes to meet the concerned look of the doctor?- yes, doctor is what Emma had told him. Doctor Whale.

He had been asleep for days? He remembered the nightmare. Remembered Emma’s black eyes. He had been turning to go back to his cabin when he...slipped? Before the darkness took over he had heard a voice. A voice that had sounded like her...like Emma?

“Emma? Did she...was she there? Did she bring me here?” Killian held his breath waiting for the answer.

“Ms. Swan?” Whale shook his head slightly, “No, it was Mary Margaret who brought you in. She saw you fall and called for help.”

Mary Margaret? What was she doing at this ship so late at night? He had been so sure he had heard Emma. So positive. Of course, he had been wrong. Disappointment filled his heart.  Emma was gone.

Killian’s hand gripped  the blankets of the hospital bed until his knuckles turned white. A sigh escaped his throat. Releasing the blankets, he rubbed his eyes in frustration. He needed to get out of this place. They couldn’t help him. No one could help him. He was alone, just as he had always been. He needed to get back to his ship - to his rum.

Killian pushed the blankets off of his body until they bunched at the side of his bed. Gripping the rail of the bed, he tried to push himself up causing the bed to shake. The room began to swirl causing him to fall back into the bed. Whale, who had turned to check Killian’s chart, was there in an instant.

“You need to stay in bed, Captain. At least for a few days. The nurses will help you use the facilities, but other than that you need to stay in bed. Your body needs rest.” Whale placed the blankets over Killian’s body.

Killian’s hand came up and combed through his hair nervously. Rest. How was he supposed to rest when everytime he closed his eyes he saw Emma surrounded by the darkness. He saw that damn dagger with her name written across it. What he needed was more rum, to dull the pain and numb his body. It kept the nightmares at bay.

* * *

Day 61

A soft knock on the door woke Killian from his sleep. His body felt warm and his head was fuzzy. Before he left, Whale had given him something to help him relax. It had helped. He was able to fall asleep. His dreams were still filled with Emma, though. It was as if she was haunting him even in his sleep. Memories of not only the moment she disappeared, but of what she'd left behind: him. Those dreams continued to haunt him in the beginning stages of consciousness. He was used to the numb feeling when he woke. Which is why he was thankful to  be woken up. To leave the dreams behind. Even if he wasn’t up to having visitors.

He opened his eyes when he heard someone sit in the chair beside his bed. Mary Margaret. She had a small smile on her face. But her eyes, gods her eyes held a sadness he had not seen present there before. A sadness that he often - too often- had seen reflected back in his own mirror.

“How can I be of service, your majesty?” His hand swept out nonchalantly.

Mary Margaret reached under the bed rail and put her hand on his arm. Her touch felt wrong. It was too soft. Too gentle. Killian jerked his arm away as if she burned him. He didn’t want to be touched. Didn’t deserve to be touched. He had promised to protect Emma. Promised to protect her daughter and he had failed.

Mary Margaret’s hand fell to the bed, lying on top of the blanket. She gave him a pointed look. One that saw through the persona he had put in place so carefully.

He could only imagine what she saw when she looked at him. Red rimmed eyes with dark circles underneath. He hadn’t shaved in weeks. His hair was unkempt and sticking up in places. It had gotten so long it hit the middle of his ears. He knew he looked a mess- he just couldn’t bring himself to care.

“I’m fine.” His hand was picking at the blanket.

It was a lie. It always was. He wasn’t fine. He hadn’t been fine for a long while. Not since Emma had disappeared.

_I love you, Killian._

His eyes shut and his fist clenched at the memory. He was so tired. Tired of everything. Waking up everyday was a nightmare. Living everyday was a nightmare. He wanted her back. He would do anything to have her back. He’d give anything to have her back.

“Hook, I know you’re not fine. Everyone can see it. Why won’t you let us help you?” She was pleading with him.

She was right. He knew she was. But the darkness was so great- so tempting. He couldn’t resist it. Sometimes, he didn’t want to. Sometimes he _wanted_ to give in. To find Emma at any cost. To set the realms aflame until she was safely back in his arms.

“I’ve talked to Whale. You’re coming home with us. It is either that or stay in the hospital. You can’t be alone. So you can stay here or you can come home with us… with your family.” He looked at her at the word ‘family,’ she had tear stains on her cheeks. Her eyes were puffy.

Killian hung his head, his chin hit his chest. Tears blurred his vision. He didn’t deserve to be in their family. It was because of him they had lost their daughter. He was not strong enough. He hadn’t protected her.

He nodded to her slowly. He didn’t want to, but he would go with her. It is not like he had a better option. He knew Mary Margaret and he knew she would not take no for an answer. He wouldn’t argue. He’d stay there until he recovered. Then, he’d go back to his ship and his rum.

***

It was quiet on the ride to the loft. They arrived late, the prince having already put the wee prince to bed. Mary Margaret quickly urged him up to Emma’s room to rest, saying she would check on him later. Then, he was alone.

Looking around the room, Killian felt like the wall were closing in on him. There was a tightness in his chest making his breathing ragged. He saw her everywhere. From the photos- of her and Henry, her and her parents, her and her little brother-that adorned the walls and her clothing chest to the dirty clothing laying in the basket.

Killian sat on the bed, running his hand over her blanket. Had it really been months since they had laid here, so happy to be rid of that awful reality. Months since he had last heard her giggle. Since he had last held her. Last kissed her.

A choked sob escaped his throat as he threw himself on the bed, his face buried in her pillow. It smelled like her. Like cinnamon and sunshine. He buried his face further as the tears began to fall. His hook - finally returned after he left the hospital- slid under the pillow.

He couldn’t do this anymore. He missed her. Missed her so much. Everyday he felt like he was drowning. He just didn’t know how to stop. Didn’t know how to fix himself. He didn’t even know where to start

Eventually, his eyes turned heavy and he fell into a fitful sleep. His dreams were filled with darkness and Emma’s voice.

* * *

Day 63

There was someone moving in the room. They were trying to be quiet, which normally meant that they did not belong there. Killian sprang from the bed like lightning, his hook found the throat of the intruder before he had time to process that it was Henry. He released the lad immediately.

“Bloody hell, lad. I could’ve killed you. What are you doing here?” His body was catching up to his mind, causing his head to spin a bit. He needed to sit.

“I just got back from Mom’s. Grandpa said they brought you home a couple of days ago and that you have been kind of out of it since. I wanted to check on you.” Killian had sat on the bed and Henry joined him.

“I’m…” Killian started.

Henry waved his words off, “Fine. I know. You’ve been saying that for months.”

Killian took a moment to really look at Henry. He seemed subdued- his normally optimistic personality was absent. His skin seemed paler. His eyes were similar to Killian’s - red rimmed. He also looked like he had lost weight.

Henry was picking at his pants. The once vibrant confident boy seemed unsure of what he should say. Killian tried to lighten the mood and bumped Henry’s shoulder, but Henry ducked away and diverted his gaze by looking at the floor.

Killian’s eyebrows inverted in confusion. He reached out and put his hand under Henry’s chin, lifting his face until their eyes met. What he saw made Killian gasp in shock. Pain. Undiluted pain. The lad was struggling to hold himself together. Struggling to be strong...for him. Henry was putting his own pain aside- to help Killian.

It needed to stop.

For the first time in months, Killian was concerned with someone other than himself. Henry was Emma’s lad. Emma’s son. And they had both lost her. They both had a hole in their heart that only Emma could fill.

He needed to help him. It was his job to help him. Emma would have wanted it.

“How are you, lad?”

“Fine.” His response was quick and emotionless- like Killian’s own.

“Fine, you say.” Killian nudged Henry with his shoulder.

Henry nodded and looked down at the floor. He wasn’t fine. Killian wasn’t fine. They were both a mess. They both just wanted Emma back.

Gods, he had been so selfish - thinking of only his pain. He could have been here for Henry all these months. He should have seen the lad was suffering during all the times he had helped him research. If he had actually paid attention to the lad… Killian had been so wrapped up in his own pain he had missed it. He may have lost his love, but Henry had lost his mother. That rivaled _anything_ Killian had been feeling. He knew what it was like to lose a parent. He could have helped him through this. He was a bloody idiot.

“I’ll make you a deal, lad. You don’t lie to me. We can pretend to be strong to everyone else. Pretend like we’re _fine_ , but with each other… we are always honest. We will get through this together...as a family” He needed Henry to know that from this point forward he would be there.

Henry’s eyes went wide as he looked at Killian.

“I miss her.” Killian’s voice was soft, almost a whisper.

“I miss her too.” Henry replied.

Killian turned and pulled Henry into a hug. Henry’s arms tightened around Killian’s back and squeezed. It was different- Henry’s hug. He felt like was finally able to breathe again. His heart was lighter. He was feeling again for the first time in a very long time. Unlike when Mary Margaret touched him, Killian didn’t pull away- he held Henry tighter. The embrace was an understanding. An agreement. That they would be there for each other. That they would get through whatever lie ahead together.

“Maybe tomorrow we can go to the library and see what else we can find?” Henry asked into his chest.

The library. He hadn’t been there in weeks. What would Belle say when she saw him again?

“Aye, lad. Whatever you want.”

They stayed like that that - in each other’s embrace- for a few moments more before Henry stood up to go downstairs. Mary Margaret was making breakfast and she wanted them to come and eat. Killian assured the lad he would be down soon.

Killian glanced around the room. He saw Emma’s smiling face everywhere he looked. But it no longer caused him any pain. He needed to be strong-for Henry. For the first time in months, Killian thought about Emma and he knew they would find her.

He just needed to ignore the darkness creeping into his heart. And he would- for Henry. And for himself. Because when Emma finally did return, he needed to be whole. He needed to be the man he was.

He needed to be the hero he was.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and please leave a review if you are up to it. :)


	3. Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: A huge thank you to the-lady-of-mishaven, o-u-a-timer, and zengoalie for editing. Only one more part to go. In this one things start looking up. I hope you all enjoy it. Thanks you all so much for the support. I truly appreciate every comment or kudo!

_Day 70_

 

It was harder now. Dealing with the pain. Killian knew he had to be strong. Knew he needed to hold it together, to put on a brave face - for Henry. But sometimes, sometimes he just wanted to go back to his ship and drown himself in rum again. Like now. At this moment, He could really use the blackness the rum created. Right now, he really wanted to be numb.

 

He was walking down main street. Hands shoved in his pockets, shoulders slumped. His eyes trained on the sidewalk below him. He couldn’t look up. If he did he would see it all over again, see that night as it replayed in his mind.

 

He was trying. Bloody hell, he really, really was trying.

 

_I love you, Killian._

 

The thought slammed into him, like it had done so many times before. His breath hitched as his heart sped up. Chest tightening, Killian moved his feet faster. He needed to get off of the street. Away from the place that it all happened- where he had ....

 

Turning the corner tightly, Killian slammed his back into the brick wall of the alley. His shaking hand combed through his hair. His hook dug into his thigh to the point of almost drawing blood. He couldn’t catch his breath, his vision blurred from tears. He needed a moment. Squeezing his eyes shut, he slowly- very slowly- counted to ten.

 

As he finished, Killian’s head came up to rest on the wall. The bricks dug into his scalp, but hedidn’t even feel the pain. It was getting better. Really, it was. He had Henry to take care of. He made sure the lad made it to school on time. Made sure he was doing his homework. They were taking care of each other. So much so, that Henry spent more nights sleeping in the crew’s quarters of the Jolly than at the loft.

 

The lad was his saving grace. Much like his mother had been. No, like she was.

 

Killian took a deep breath to settle his thoughts. Henry was waiting. They were getting dinner together at Granny’s, then Killian wanted to sail into the bay and teach him more about the stars. His hand rubbed his eyes as he pushed himself off of the wall.

 

He could do this. He had to do it. Henry needed him.

 

***

Henry yanked the door open after the first knock, shocking Killian. He looked better. His cheeks had more color, eyes less dull. A smile broke out on his face when he noticed Killian.

 

“Killian! You came!” Henry straightened his back as the word bubbled out.

 

It was another change Killian had noticed in Henry. He was happier, lighter almost. The corners of his eyes crinkled in excitement. He walked with his head up, proud once again. He was so unlike the boy Killian had encountered in the loft a week ago. It made Killian’s heart swell knowing he had a hand in Henry’s transformation.

 

“Aye, lad. I did. You ready to go?” Killian held out his hook to grab the bag in Henry’s hand.

 

“Yeah! Let me go tell mom bye.” Henry turned quickly back into the house, leaving the door open.

 

A moment later, Henry returned followed by Regina and Robin. Killian shifted back and forth on his feet. He hadn’t seen Robin since the incident at The Rabbit Hole and Regina since before that. Since the night Emma had…

 

“Captain.” Regina interrupted his thoughts.

 

Killian’s eyes snapped to hers and he saw something there that he hadn’t expected - compassion. Swallowing hard, Killian gave Regina a small smile. He knew she was also struggling, also blaming herself. They were all barely keeping it together.

 

“You take care of my son.” She smiled a tight smile before patting Henry on the head.

 

“Aye. With my life if necessary.” And he would. He would not lose another person he loved.

 

Regina gave Henry one last hug before closing the door. As Killian fell in step beside Henry, he noticed a bounce in the lad’s steps. The smile still gracing his face.

 

Henry was so confident that they were going to find Emma. Find her and bring her home. He truly believed it was possible. We always find each other he told Killian time and time again. Killian only hoped he was right.

* * *

 

_Day 79_

 

Killian pinched the bridge of his nose as he let out a sigh. What the bloody hell were they doing? He had been through all of these books and not just one time, either. There was nothing here. If there were, then he would have found it by now.

 

He looked at the book in front of him. He was pretty sure… bloody hell, he already looked at this one today. He flipped the book over quickly to look at the title. Closing his eyes and taking a calming breath, Killian shoved the book away before grabbing a new one.

 

Henry was sitting across from him, a pile of books on each side. His nose was buried deep into one. He looked focused, like all of their answers may lie on that single page. Belle was at the desk working on that magic box she called the ‘internet.’ The prince was in the stacks of the library, charged with bringing them new books as he found them. It was a bloody family affair.

 

It was a waste of time.

 

Killian knew this. He had already wasted the first few days after Emma… he knew there were no answers here.

 

But Henry had insisted. Practically begged Killian to have a research party. He could deny the lad nothing, so he agreed. Then, David joined in and Belle was always here.

 

Killian sighed and leaned back in his chair. Taking a moment, he observed Henry again. There was so much Bae in the boy. He really looked just like his father, but Henry also had so much of Emma in him. Like his ability to never give up- that was Emma.

 

Killian’s legs bounced in his seat. He needed… He needed to move, before his thoughts took a turn toward the…

 

_I love you, Killian._

 

He stood up so fast that the chair knocked over causing a loud bang in the otherwise quiet library. Henry’s head jerked up at the sound. When their eyes met, Killian saw a hint of worry flicker though the boy’s features.

 

“Killian, is everything -- are you okay?” Killian looked at the books and then back to Henry, shaking his head sadly.

 

“No, lad. I need a moment. Too quiet in here. I’ll just… join the prince looking for new books.” Henry’s eyes softened at his words.

 

“It’s okay, Killian. Sometimes, I hate the quiet, too.”

 

Henry was still looking at him as Killian gave him a small tight smile. It was a simple statement, but Killian understood the message. They both missed her and wanted her back more than anything.

“Aye, lad. I know.” Henry nodded his head and returned to the book in front of him as Killian turned away.

 

Once out of Henry’s sight, Killian leaned against the nearest wall. He slid to the ground slowly. Leaning his head back, he looked up to blink back the tears. His hand and hook rested on his knees, shaking. His heart was beating rapidly. Ten seconds. Then, he would get up and help David.

 

He did this often. Sometimes several times a day. He would give himself 10 seconds to deal with his pain. To remember Emma and everything he had lost. For that small amount of time, he would let himself feel every emotion he was trying to deal with for Henry. After, he would pick himself up and continue with whatever he was doing. It helped. Most of the time.

 

Killian clenched his eyes shut as he stood back up. His hand traced a path down his face. Out of the corner of his eyes, Killian saw David standing there. Frowning. Killian’s hand came up to scratch behind his ear.

 

“Are you okay, Hook?” The prince had moved to stand next to him.

 

He was… better. He wasn’t okay, but he wasn’t drowning any longer. He was holding on. Right now, that would have to be enough.

 

“Mate, I appreciate the concern, but …” Killian stopped himself. David’s face reflected nothing but annoyance. He knew Killian was going to lie. It was almost as if he was preparing himself for it. Killian’s heart fell in his chest. Why did he keep pushing away? “I apologize, mate. I’m… what does the lad say… hanging in there? Yes, hanging in there.”

 

David’s irritated frown disappeared and understanding filled his eyes. He nodded his head to Killian and shoved him forward slightly.

 

“Come on, pirate. Let’s find some more books for my grandson to look at.” David said as he walked in front of Killian, back toward the stacks.

 

Killian looked back toward where Henry was before he followed the prince. He was beginning to believe that lad. Maybe, just maybe they would be able to bring her home.

* * *

 

_Day 88_

 

He was laughing. The sound was almost foreign to him. He hadn’t laughed in so long. Henry was sitting next to him. Mary Margaret and David sat across the table, the wee prince at Snow’s side. It was nice. A family dinner. Something he thought he would never have again.

 

They were sharing stories as they ate. Stories about anything really. He shared stories from his days as a lieutenant in the Royal Navy. How the first time he had held a sword he had actually thought he was meant to throw the blade over his back with the handle at his shoulder as a way to defend. David had tears coming out of his eyes on that one.

 

Mary Margaret and David shared stories about the curse. Well, mostly Mary Margaret. Apparently, she had engaged in some more enjoyable activities with the good Dr. Whale.

 

(They had to brush over a lot of the details for the sake of Henry)

 

It was nice to be included. To forget, even for just a moment, that they were missing a piece of the puzzle. That their family was still incomplete.

 

Killian looked to Henry. He was doing that a lot these days. Checking to make sure he was okay. The boy met his eyes and smiled. His hands making wild motions in the air as he told them about something that had happened in school.

 

Killian’s eyes moved from Henry to observe his grandparents. Even they looked happy. Both were smiling. Mary Margaret’s head was leaning on David’s shoulder. David’s arm was around her back. Every once in awhile, Killian noticed David’s eyes drift to the empty chair at the end of the table. His eyes would drop, smile vanishing. A frown would appear on the prince’s face. But only for a moment, then he would look back to Henry as if nothing had happened.

 

Killian looked at the clock on the wall and noticed the hour was getting late. Best if he got back to his ship and turned in for the night. Henry wanted to meet in the morning to research some more after breakfast with Mary Margaret and David. Standing, all of the eyes in the room where suddenly on him.

 

“I should be returning to me ship if I am expected to help the lad with research tomorrow.” He moved to pick up his plates and place them in the kitchen.

 

“Are you sure, Killian? You can always stay here in… well, in Emma’s room.” Mary Margaret looked slightly embarrassed at her words.

 

Killian took a moment to think it over. He hadn’t been in that room since he had recovered from his injury. Could he sleep there? Surrounded, once again, by Emma and everything she was? His heart clenched at the thought.

 

“I appreciate the offer m’lady, alas I’m… well, I’m just not ready.” He nervously bit his lip at his own honestly.

 

Mary Margaret’s eyes went softer - if that was even possible. She rushed forward and pulled the pirate captain into a hug.

“We understand, Killian. We really do.” Then, she stepped back into her husband’s arms.

 

“I’ll see you tomorrow right, Killian?” Henry’s voice wavered as if he was unsure.

 

Killian’s hand came up to toss the hair on his head affectionately.

 

“Of course, lad. I wouldn’t miss it.”

 

He waved goodbye to them one last time before walking out the door.

 

***

The walk home was quick. Before Killian knew it, he had arrived at his ship. Once in his quarters, Killian took a moment to look around. Everything was in it’s place. Just as it should be. His eyes passed over the dagger for a moment and Killian struggled to breathe.

 

He had taken it the moment Emma had vanished. For so many years, he had searched for the damned thing and now it was here on his ship. Only this time it was tied to someone he cared about. Someone he wanted back.

 

Walking over to it, Killian ran his hand over the name Emma Swan. His heart skipped a beat as his hand began to shake. Why did she have to do it? Where the bloody hell was she? These were questions he still wanted answers for.

 

He wrenched his hand away and walked to his bed. He did have a better day, but he still missed her. With every fiber of his being he missed her.

 

Quickly, Killian fell into a fitful sleep. He may be dealing with the pain during the day, but at night. At night, the nightmares plagued him.

 

* * *

_Day 89_

 

The sound of footsteps slamming on the deck woke Killian from his sleep. What the bloody hell was going on? Seconds later, pounding started at the hatch above his quarters. Who in the blazes could that be?

 

“Bloody hell, give a man a moment!” Killian yelled.

 

Throwing on his discarded jeans and shirt, Killian climbed the ladder to open the hatch. Once above deck, Killian was met with a very exhausted looking Henry.

 

“Lad? What’s the matter? Is there a crisis?” He was panicking. What was Henry so out of breath?

 

“I… ran… from… the… library.” Henry barely got the words out.

 

The library? They were not meant to meet there for at least an hour. Why would Henry be there now?

 

“Take a breath, Henry. Then tell me.” Killian walked the boy to sit on the stairs leading to the main deck.

 

Henry was starting to worry him. It wasn’t like the boy to get so worked up. His cheeks were red. Eyes bright and alarmed. After a moment, Henry continued.

 

“I woke up early and decided to get a head start. I left a note for grandpa to tell him to call me when they wanted me to meet them at Granny’s, then I went to the library.” Henry met Killian’s eyes and beamed at him.

 

“I found it, Killian. I found a way to bring her home. I know where she is and I know how to bring her back.”

 

Killian felt light headed at his words. His heart began to race. He had been waiting months for this day. Months. And now that it was here, Killian was scared.

 

“Are you sure Henry? I don’t want you to get your hopes up.” He placed his hand on the boy’s shoulder and gave a light squeeze.

 

“I’m positive. Killian, I found it.”

 

He believed him. Henry had found a way. Killian pulled the boy into a hug as tears rolled down his cheeks. It had hugged the lad several times over the last couple weeks. But this hug? This was different. It was full of something Killian had thought he has lost. Something he never thought he would be able to find again.

 

Hope.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Please commit if you feel up to it!


	4. Part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it. The final part. Not only did it take forever for me to finish it, but it was actually quite difficult for me to write it. To be honest, I am not entirely happy with it. 
> 
> A huge thank you to zengoalie and the-lady-of-misthaven for looking over this! You ladies rock!
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own OUAT or its characters

_Day 93_

He hated this place. It seemed like every time something went wrong it had some tie to this damn place.  _Gold's Pawn Shop._  A chuckle escaped his throat. It was only fitting that they bring her back here, after all it was the crocodile's actions that led to her disappearance.

The room felt small with all of the people in it. It was as if every person in the town wanted to bare witness to the return of the savior. It had been days since Henry had found him with a solution. Days of preparing. Days of trying to keep the hope that had settled in his chest at bay.

He wanted more than anything to have her returned, to hold her in his arms and never let her go. The only problem was… he didn't know  _what_ would be returning to them. Would she be his Emma or… something else? It was a thought that kept him up at night.

Still unsure of the specifics,and not really trusting magic, Killian casually leaned against the wall as the spell was performed. His arms crossed at his chest, eyebrow lifted in a perfect arch. Regina stood in the middle of the room with the dagger in her hands. It was over in seconds and as the smoke cleared, Killian could see a figure standing in the middle of the room.

For a moment, everyone in the room held their breath. His chest became tight. It was the moment of truth, the one he had waited three months for.

Cerulean eyes met her emerald ones and he knew. It was Emma. Whatever that bloody dagger had done to her, she was still his Emma. His legs moved on their own accord until he was standing in front of her, close enough to touch. His hand reached for her involuntarily. A smile appeared on her face, causing him to let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding. She looked...perfect, like she had never left. Like the last three months of agony had never existed. His hand returned to rest at his side, jaw clenching. She tilted her head to the side, questioning.

It had happened. All of it had. She had been gone and he was left to pick up the pieces, to pull himself together, to take care of Henry. He shook his head. He wasn't angry. He was happy, ecstatic even. It was her job, part of the reason he loved her. It was just… after so many months of hoping, of waiting, of wanting… he needed a moment.

When she had first disappeared he had been hopeful, knowing they would find her and return her to his side. As the months went on, his hope dwindled. Now that she was here, he couldn't help but wonder… If he hadn't been so weak, drowning himself in rum, would they have found the answer quicker. All of this time away from her...could it have been his fault?

Her family surrounded her. Each one of them pulling her into their arms. Her eyes never left his, brows furrowed in confusion. It was almost as if he could hear her thoughts.  _Why are you so far away? I've missed you. I lo-_

Turning on his heel, Killian pressed his hand to the door and shoved it open. Without looking back, his boot clad feet hit the pavement and he moved as quickly as he could toward his ship.

* * *

 

_His fault._  The words swirled in his head even after he arrived to his ship, after he made it to his cabin. Where the bloody hell was his rum? If he had ever needed it, now was that time. He hadn't had a drink in weeks, not since that day Henry found him at the loft.

Yanking open the drawers to his clothing chest, he began pulling shirts out one by one throwing them behind him. Reaching the bottom, he found nothing. He almost fell over as he quickly turned toward his desk. He wasted no time jerking open the desk drawers. Running his hands throw the contents he still found nothing. Standing quickly, his eyes landed on a small table by the ladder. Yes. It had to be there. He strode swiftly across the cabin to the table. Reaching in, his hand curled around the neck of a bottle.

_His fault_. He took a long swig from his bottle of rum. It burned his throat as it went down. The amber liquid swayed in the bottle as he looked at it. What was this always his solution? Wasn't it rum that had kept him away from researching for all of those months, kept him from finding a way to bring her back.

Rage erupted throughout his body. Without thinking, he launched the bottle at the wall. With a crack, it shattered as soon as it made contact. He was a bloody fool. All the time that he had wasted. His heart clenched at the thought. If had had been a stronger man he would have found the way to bring her home  _months_  ago. If he had just continued to look, instead of giving up hope…

His body sank to the floor as his heart sank in his chest. It  _was_  his fault. His eyes scanned his cabin. What a mess. The cabin looked like a tornado had went through it. His hand came up to run through his hair. He was a mess. He should be happy. He should've been down at that bloody shop welcoming her back.

Instead he was sitting in his cabin, alone. It was what he deserved. He was a villain and villains don't get their happy endings. His hand slammed into the wall. His mind barely registered the pain. Slowly, the darkness that he had tried so hard to fight settled right back in. It was as if it had never left.

* * *

 

A knock pulled Killian from his nightmares. His vision swirled as he attempted to open his eyes. Where the bloody hell was he? Suddenly, memories of the last couple of hours flashed through his mind.  _Gold's shop. Regina's spell. Emerald eyes. Emma._ She was back. His heart fluttered at the thought. Shifting to his side, he realized he was on the floor in his cabin. That's right...he had come back to his ship. Bloody hell, his head was pounding.

The knocks came again. This time louder, more insistent, and accompanied by a voice. A voice he thought he would never hear again.

"Killian, please open the door. I know you're in there." Emma. She was here, at his ship.

HIs heart began to beat rapidly, his palm started to sweat. He should have known she would find him here. She always found him.

He rose slowly, his legs stiff from sleeping on the wooden floor. Reaching the door he placed his hand on the wood before taking a deep breath in. He could do this. He was ready. Regardless of what he believed, he was happy she was back and he was ready to see her. He needed to see her.

His hand curled around the door handle as he pulled it open. Emma was standing there, fist poised to knock again. She was a vision. Golden tresses flowed down her back framing her face. She wore a simple sweatshirt and jeans. Her pale skin seemed to have a slight flush, from what he didn't know. Slowly, she dropped her hand back to her side and lifted her face so her eyes met his.

"Hi." She spoke softly, unsure, but made no move toward him.

His breathing quickened. Fingers itched to run through her hair, he slowly clenched and unclenched his fist to avoid the action. He wanted to pull her in his arms, capture her lips, and never stop kissing her. He forced his body to take a step back. A frown formed on her face causing Killian's heart to skip a beat.

"Hello, love." There was nothing else he could say. What do you say to a woman who has been missing for months, who you felt partially responsible for allowing her to stay missing for that long.

"Can we, um, can we talk?" Her hand reached up and tucked a stray lock behind her ear as he head tilted to the side.

"Aye." He moved back to allow her to walk into the cabin, closing the door behind him.

He forgot what a mess he had made and now, here she was standing in the middle of it. She wrung her hands in front of her as she turned to meet him.

"Lass, I.." Her holding up her hand stopped him from speaking.

"I wanted to thank you, for taking care of Henry. Mom and dad said you have been having a hard time and I appreciate that you put all of it aside to take care of my son." Her voice was flat, sterile even. It was as if she was trying to hide all of her emotions.

He wanted to run to her and beg her to yell at him, to tell him that he wasn't good enough, that he would never be good enough. It was what he deserved after all of those months of ignoring her boy.

"Emma, when you first disappeared I didn't take care of Henry. That was your mother and your father. They deserve your thanks, not me." He couldn't meet her eyes, too ashamed of his actions.

She stepped forward suddenly. Her hand cupping his stubbled cheek as she lifted his face to meet hers. Her eyes were full of sadness, of everything he hoped he would never have to see in them. She moved her forehead to rest against his. Her other hand came to rest on his hip. She was so close that he could feel the heat of her skin, of her lips.

"I get it now," she whispered, "I thought it was me, when you ran earlier. I thought you wanted nothing to do with me, but I was wrong."

His heart plummeted in his chest. How could she even think that. Her? He could never not want her, not in a thousand realms, a million lifetimes. If there was one thing he was absolutely certain of… it was that.

"Love, I want you. Gods above I want you. I just don't deserve…" Her finger came to rest on his lips, silencing him.

"I should've known," she shook her head, "That you would do this to yourself. Killian, listen to me. None of this was your fault. It was my decision to take the dagger, my decision to let the darkness in. And after? You did the best you could. From what I understand, as soon as you realized Henry needed you… you stepped in and were there."

He couldn't believe her words, that she actually believed none of the blame lay on him.

"But if I hadn't given up hope I could have found the solution to get you home  _months_ ago."

Laughter erupted from her at his words, shocking him. She moved her forehead off of his, staring at him directly in the eyes.

"We can't live in the past. By the same token, all of this is my fault because I let the author out of the book. In the end it doesn't matter when or how I got home, just that I did."

Staring at her in the eyes, he knew she was right. There were so many people that held part of the blame. So many mistakes on everyone, himself included. But none of that mattered right now. She was home, she was here in his cabin, and she was smiling the most beautiful smile he had ever seen. The one that lit up her eyes and made her cheeks glow. His heart felt like it were about to burst at the sight.

His hand found her waist quickly. His hook slid under the fabric of her shirt pulling her closer to his body. Spinning her, he began to slowly walk her backwards until her body hit his bunk toppling them over. Her hair splayed out on his pillow creating a halo around her head. Their bodies moved up and down from their quick breathing. He couldn't help the grin that took over his face.

"Hello, love." His eyes darkened as he continued to look at her. She laughed in return, happiness shining in her eyes.

He inched his way forward until his lips met hers in a gentle kiss. It was like coming home, like every moment of his life had led him to this one. He knew they still had much to figure out. Her name was still on that dagger, which couldn't have been a good thing. The town was always in some kind of peril and they would have to find a way to save it. But he had spent ninety-three days without her in his life, without her light to guide him.

Everything else could wait a least a day more.


End file.
